There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
