Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
