saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
