I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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