can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
