Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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