What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
