Sober January is a disaster.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
