I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
