i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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