whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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