i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Threesome in a minivan. New low
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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