He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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