Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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