so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
