What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
