if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize