he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize