Pappa wants mamma naked
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
