I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
