I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
