All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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