i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
