I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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