u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
