You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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