If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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