I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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