you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
