im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
