he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
