So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
All I want is dick and wine.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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