Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
