The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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