Im at strip club and am horny
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
