It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
