I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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