Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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