Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
