Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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