i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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