can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
