i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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