i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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