The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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