im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
