Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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