We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
