He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
