just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
