See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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