So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I currently don't understand fingers.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
