Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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