fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
