Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
