I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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