I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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