she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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